Rapper Eminem has been arrested in connection with the death of Spoof Times writer Kilroy over alleged comments he made in a satirical piece published last week. Kilroy, known for his particularly abrasive style of writing, supposedly mocked Eminem’s drug problems and past relationship with Mariah Carey. Close friend, drug counselor and mentor Elton John told reporters that Eminem had become increasingly distraught over Kilroy’s recent remarks, especially a parody of one of his songs, “Without Me.”
According to witnesses, Kilroy was confronted by Marshall Mathers, aka Eminem, outside a local Dunkin Donuts franchise and shot six times. Kilroy died en route to St. Luke Regional Hospital. An attorney representing Mr. Mathers is asking that all charges be dropped, as his client is not responsible for the death of Kilroy. Physicians concur that Kilroy, who is particularly obese, did not die from the gunshot wounds. “Actually none of those bullets even made it through the layer of blubber. No vital organs were hit.” said the coroner. The coroner further explained that in an attempt to get away, Kilroy ran perhaps half a dozen steps before collapsing of heart failure.
Kilroy’s most recent piece had been a scathing attack on Eminem’s relationship issues, from his ex-wife Kim to most recently his feud with ex-lover Mariah Carey. “Eminem’s d--k is so small, if he took Mariah doggy style, he couldn’t even get past her Cloverfield Monster ass-cheeks,” read one excerpt. Other entries included innuendos about Mather’s sexual orientation and just how “close” his relationship with Elton John really is. Elton John vehemently denied that there is a sexual relationship between him and Eminem because he prefers bigger d--ks, and went on to say, “If Marshall hadn’t popped a cap in Kilroy’s sorry ass, I certainly would have for calling me the Queen of England. I look nothing like that hag!”
Admittedly, no one ever suspected the rapper of being such a sensitive bastard after all the crap he’s heaped on celebrities, including Mariah Carey. Furthermore, friends of Kilroy...well one guy who knows someone who used to live next door to Kilroy....said that besides having an extensive comic book collection, Kilroy was an avid Eminem fan. “He loved the obscene way Eminem lyrically insulted everyone. He thought Eminem was a master of the art and wanted to be like him.” Witnesses on the scene of the shooting said that Kilroy screamed at Eminem as he lay dying, “You shot me, you fu-king junkie! You’re gonna make one sorry ass prison bitch! Hey, can you stuff one of those donuts in my mouth?” But others arriving later (following Eminem repeatedly kicking Kilroy in the head) reportedly heard, “It’s was only a joke, dude!” Services for Kilroy are probably a waste of time since the acerbic writer obviously had no friends, but interment will announced anyway, once they can figure out how to stuff 600 pounds of ugly fat into a pine box. Funeral planners are also said to be leaning towards mashing Eminem’s “Without Me” with Kilroy’s parodied lyrics:
“I not the first writer of controversy
Even the Queen can expect no mercy
From stinging satire and parody.
Too bad I do this shit for free.
Hey! There’s a concept that works.
The freer it is, the more it hurts.
No matter how many imitators there may be,
It’ll be so empty, without me.”
When asked for comment, Eminem replied from his jail cell, “Somehow, it seems strangely appropriate”.
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